Thursday, October 21, 2010

¡Kill Your Radio!: CDC Discovers "¡NoRotation!" Virus Infections in Southern Maine

¡It could happen to you, too!

Imagine your daughter. Your wife. Your neighbor or your mother or the head of the town PTA.

Imagine your girlfriend. Imagine that...

She's got a trans-dimensional boombox, bay-beh...

She found uh spot on it's dial,

So vulgar 'n' vile,

¡It's now uh CANNIBALLISTIC JUKEBOX, m' maah!

'Gonna substitue her glitz fer guile...

It was station WJBC,

Where the pestilence had

First broken free, like

A neon hyena, straddling the airwaves,

Deep as an earthquake, 'n' high as an air raid;

With a throb 'n' patter

Of ungodly chatter

From each peculiar platter

That the needle traversed.

There were whorls 'n' ripples in the

Records' spiral, like

Something VIRAL

Which her speakers dispersed...

Veronica Byzmuth, spokeswoman for the CDC's Department of BOOGIE-LOGICAL Defense, went on to say that the virus, dubbed NR-LXXI/ NR-71, is indeed "a wave-borne pathogen with the ability to travel through air, electronic devices and most liquids, infecting its host and inducing an almost catatonic state of hypnosis. Synapses fire at chaotic intervals; limbs swerve and jerk in improbable trajectories, as though the host is suffering from a meticulously well-coordinated seizure".

This is believed to occur in a sort of "sympathetic vibration" to the wave-forms caused by either an exceptionally cacophonous sonic onslaught, such as one induced by Boca Sovacos' REANIMATON BAND, or from the transmission of soundwaves off of a non-rotating phonograph record with elliptical spiralling.

The PSEU-DOO [ "Pseudo-Voodoo"] practice of "knuckle-lathing," as this record-production process is called, has been outlawed by the FCC, the CDC, the AARP, ASCAP and the Association for Unwed Teenage Megaphones for over 30 years for fear of another "¡No Rotation!" outbreak. An outbreak such as the one that is occurring in Southern Maine and Eastern New Hampshire at this very moment.

Mlle. Byzmuth, further illustrating the danger of this deadly menace, went on to describe the nature of NR-71's waveforms and organism as, "Lean, but spacious,

With a thirst voracious

And tendencies rapacious on the

Stem of the brain,

Thus rend'ring its victims

Mere shivering systems

Of flow and resistence

For it's hiccupped refrains.

And it spreads with the ease

Of airborne disease, with

Each pelvis it seizes by the

Breadth of it's maw,

Where mirages of heat

Collide and compete

And morph, but repeat this new

Physical law..."

Citizens are advised to lock their doors, turn off all radios and sonic devices, AVOID ALL DANCING/ PHYSICALLY RHYTHMIC ACTIVITIES and await further instruction from their local news stations via Closed Caption television, or from updates on this thread of the CDC's Andy Klosenski Boogie-logical Defense Facebook Blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment